Too Many Chick Buddies?

Yes, I am sure that isn't what you want to hear from a self-confessed "modern" woman--the idea that a man surrounded daily by friendly femininity is a bad thing. However, there are a few valid reasons why the guy with too many female friends is a put-off for potential dating partners.

The first question that will come to mind on the part of a would-be partner is: Why am I necessary if he is so comfortable with these women as friends? And, more importantly, does he know how to separate the female friend from the female more-than-friends?

Regardless of how up-to-date or confident a woman may be, she doesn't want to see her man hanging out with more estrogen than testosterone. She doesn't want to hear about the week-long trips across countries or oceans to go see your girl-buddies, and she doesn't want to have something like a "facebook marriage" (whatever the hell that is) explained to her in an e-mail.

The beginning of a relationship is a very tentative time for both partners--everyone is finding the necessary footing to see if the relationship can go past the first few dates. It is certainly not the time to introduce "her" the world of your affectionate companionship with other women--she'll only think she will become one of the existing harem and prefer to step off rather than step up to the plate. What does this mean for you? Well, it may mean a little "white lying" on your part for a little while. It may mean being a little less open about which friends you are going to visit and spending the most time with until you get past the first stages of the dating process. By then, you'll probably be thinking about introducing her to some of your friends, and that's the best way to bring them out into the open. I guarantee if you only lightly touch on your hanging out with your "friends" at the beginning, then allow her to observe you with your female friends a few dates into the process, she will associate your female friends with your friends in general and it won't at all count against you. Start from the beginning in on your invaluable buddies in the chick category, and I guarantee you that you will be asking yourself why potential partners stop returning e-mails or calls more than once, if you aren't already.

What you're going to have to accept, whether you like it or not, is that it isn't normal to have a lot of female friends, and if you have that and no partner, you should be asking yourself a few questions--ironically the same questions that the partners who will want none of that are also asking. The number one question is why are they all buddies, and are they buddies because that's the category you naturally put women in right away rather than see potential beyond that? Consequently, you have a tough question to answer, too, and you are going to like this one less--say you do get involved with someone, what are you going to do? You aren't going to be able to be equally close with your female buddies and your female partner, and that may mean a change in your relationships with your female friends. Do you feel comfortable distancing yourself from your chicks for that one chick that you will have known for a shorter period of time and whose potential lies in the future rather than in the past experiences that forged the relationships you have with your female friends?

Tough questions, but I'm sorry to say that you're going to have to answer them....or remain single, your choice.

"Other" Dating Brilliancies

Ok, we've all seen the possible ill results of the "Speed Dating" experience. Watch the movie "The Forty Year Old Virgin" once, and the gig goes from "multiple opportunities" to "every bad date you ever had in one." However, there are other options I would easily label as far worse. Here are a few I do not recommend trying on for size.

Darwin's Dating Service
This refers to the first ever Natural Selection Speed Date: Rich Guys and Hot Girls event. Forty of each variety were invited. The men had to bank a certain amount--based on age, of course (guys over thirty had to bank at least half a million a year). The women were pre-selected model-types (what other kind of hot woman is there?). The creator of this event called it a fabulous success, but I'm sure the builder of Chernobyl said the same long before the blast.

The problem is that there is nothing natural about it--it's entirely fabricated. The women are looking for some extra spending cash and the men want a new accessory hanging from their well-tailored Armani suits. I guess it is still characteristic to "shudder" at evidence of human shallowness.

Stoplight Parties
This isn't so much a daters-only event as it is one where people get a visual alert as to who is single and who isn't based on the color of their dress. As you can assume, green-wearers are actively looking, yellows are dating, and reds are in committed relationships. Where does asking someone go wrong? And who has enough yellow in their wardrobe to be officially "seeing someone"?

Lock and Key Parties
In order to save the fragile nature of men's egos, each guy is given a key and each woman, a lock. The object of the game--you guessed it--is to find the person with the match to your piece of equiptment. I suppose this may work if someone was actually matching potential partners, but if you end up in the random selection pool again on this one, the guy opening your lock could be the same kind of loser as you would find without the need for that conversation piece.


Do these work out? I'm sure there's a success story for each of them (like everything else), but biting the bullet and talking to someone at a party or at a hotspot is still your best bet. You have lots of people to choose from, so if someone isn't your type or is with someone else, you can move on without looking like a moron. And there's usually no odd dress code to contend with. Whose accessories go with locking devices anyway?

Selling Yourself

To follow up on the last post, online dating is a game of selling oneself--however, as has been illustrated, if you do so to an unrealistic degree, that can backfire on you. On the other hand, if you don't try to sell yourself at all, you may end up selling yourself short entirely. For anyone setting up embarking on online dating, here are some Do's and Don'ts from my own experience.

Good grammar: Unfortunately, Microsoft Word does not set up your profile for you. Therefore, when giving a description of yourself or listing your qualities, for the first time since the PC age began, you're going to have to figure out how to spell for yourself. It only becomes more complicated, too--you'll have to be your own "grammar monitor" as well. Very few people are going to crack the whip at the placement of a comma where a semicolon should go, but everyone notices when you don't bother to capitalize one word in your profile. Check your sentences to make sure they are complete and clear, too. If you really want to impress, double check all of the words you aren't completely certain of for correct spelling. Why is this important? If you want someone with a high school diploma or some level of higher education to respond to your "wink" or "request for communication", at least make an effort to provide evidence that you can indeed communicate with her.

Answer ALL the questions that will appear on your profile online: The more information, the better. People who are interested in you really DO want to know more. If you provide very little, prospective partners may think you have something to hide or that there isn't very much to you. It make take some time, but think out your answers and make sure they sound good as well as reflect who you are.

Answer common questions in uncommon ways: Plenty of dating sites will ask you questions like "what are the top five things you can't live without?" or "what was the last book you read?" Before you answer, THINK ABOUT IT. It doesn't require that you be competely candid, and if you are, it may go against you. For example, if the site asks about your recent reading list, think about what other people may have read recently and DON'T choose those books. Won't you relate to someone else if you do list those books and the readers of your profile have also read them? Yes, that is true, however, I got so tired of people telling me how absolutely enlightening "The Da Vinci Code" is that I started closing off matches who did with the thought "Please, read SOMETHING that isn't on the NY Times Best Seller list." In addition, if you haven't read anything lately, DON'T say that. Several times, I've seen questions like that left blank or in some cases, people have actually stated "well, I've read a lot of product manuals lately..." Guess what? That's NOT a selling point. If you haven't read anything of late--and there are plenty of times when people haven't--go back and describe a book you have read that you did find particularly interesting (that you remember at least of the few details therein clearly, just in case that becomes an ice-breaking first date conversation).

Oh, and if they ask you what the five things are you can't live without, don't say "food, water, shelter, clothes, and air."

Pictures: YES, put up pictures. Sometimes people actually close off matches because there aren't photographs. It also goes back to the whole bar room visit argument. What attracts you to go and speak to one person over another when you're out socially? How the person looks--that's right. Yes, that may be shallow, but it is true. Put up some pictures to avoid your own disappointment--let's face it--people will think your profile looks great and then may meet you and not find you attractive.

When you look for pictures, choose ones that your friends think look like you and look good at the same time. Try not to put up those black and white glamour shots--no one is going to believe you're that good looking. Don't put pictures up that display you with members of the opposite sex unless those people are clearly relatives (if your brother or sister looks exactly like you, for example, that will be believable, or if you are standing with a significantly older relative, that's certainly OK). Otherwise, people will wonder about your tact in displaying a picture of yourself and your partner from your last failed relationship.

Don't put up pictures that feature ANY of the following elements: naked people (you included), beer bottles or cans, feather boas, lots of members of the opposite sex, football jerseys, or you standing next to someone significantly more attractive than you (let's be realistic here).

Contacting people: When you opt to start a conversation with someone online, be friendly and don't go on for too long about yourself. Make sure you ask a few questions that will lead into what the other person will write back to you. At Match.com, you can "wink" at someone or actually write them a message. If you do "wink," don't wink fifty times. Chances are if someone doesn't get back to you, that person isn't interested (you can send a "no thanks" message, but that can only be done via your e-mail account as far as I have been able to do). If you are going through the communication stages on eHarmony, try and check back at least once a day--when you go for days at a time without responding to questions, first, it demonstrates lack of interest to the other party and second, after eHarmony dating for some time, I find that it is easier to get through the communication stages as quickly as you can and actually start talking to that person.

Don't write short questions like "What up?" as the content of your message, either. If someone stops writing to you, don't take it personally. The truth of the matter is that online, just like in real life, most people won't make the cut. They may get tired of writing to you or they may be persuing other people at the same time.

Meeting in person: The first meeting shouldn't be a "date" in the traditional sense. Who's to say you're going to be in the dating mood when you actually speak to someone in person? Go out for a quick lunch or maybe a drink somewhere. Have an "out" just in case you really aren't connecting. Make yourself look nice, but in a natural way--don't overdo it. If you're a guy--a nicer pair of jeans or khakis should do, and maybe a button-down shirt, but no tie or anything. If you're a chick, nothing too flashy--go comfortable but somewhat stylish (according to your own style, of course). Don't be afraid to bow out after an hour or two if you're not feeling it--chances are, your date isn't feeling it either, and at least that is one more eliminated from the pool. Don't feel bad if it doesn't go anywhere, either. Even for myself, I can't tell you how many times I went through the whole communication process, talked to the guy on the phone and got really excited about it--this guy sounds great--and then met him and realized I didn't feel a vibe there at all. It will happen that way more often than any other. Just take it in stride--that will get easier as time goes on, too.

The key thing overall is to present yourself as yourself. If you emphasize one quality over others that you wish was more prominent or if you put up your glamour shots rather than you in a tank top standing next to your sister on the beach, you run the risk of creating the profile for someone you wish you were rather than the person you are. If you go with yourself, at least you stayed true to the whole "what you see is what you get" premise, and if the people you meet aren't interested, well, you know that's their loss--not yours.

False Advertising

One of the main drawbacks to Internet dating is not meeting the other person face to face right away. As tough as it is to go to an evening hot spot and gather up the courage to talk to someone you spot across the room, at least the visual package is right in front of you immediately--you decide whether or not you want to approach someone based on what you see. The person you talk to, on the other hand, is put in the same position. He or she can take a look at you and get a sense of whether or not he or she finds you attractive. Perhaps this is why it takes so much to strike up a conversation with someone in that situation--you know that you've just put that person in the driver's seat. You desperately try and read every sign you possibly can for something affirmative--hand motions, words, looks. Sometimes, you land the ultimate sign of success--a phone number (well, that also could be a front, too, especially if you call and find out it is the number for a local pizza delivery service). Other times, you can tell right off that the other person isn't interested and you have to extract yourself from the situation with as much dignity as you can muster.

I've heard a lot of people complain about profile pictures on dating sites. No matter what site you use, there is a photo posting option--on some, you can put up only a handful while on others, you can put up nearly as many as you want to. Of course the object is to "sell" yourself as best as you can. In my case, I don't have a whole library of pictures to choose from, so I pull out a few of myself and my friends or family (indicating which one I am, for the sake of argument). Sometimes, I'll throw up a shot or two of myself in costume, just as a conversation piece. However, upon meeting people, the shock and surprise conveyed has to do with the fact that apparently, I choose pictures that actually look like me. In my own experience, there is, of course, a slight variation between picture and live person--a variety of facial expressions, perhaps a different hair cut, but fortunately, most of the time, I have been able to pick out my prospective date from a crowd based on my recollection of the pictures I have seen of him.

There was one date I went on where that was not the case. I started communicating with him online, and he had two pictures on display on the site (which allowed a maximum of four). One was the always suspect black and white glamour shot and the other was a nice picture of him in a suit at what appeared to be a wedding. He had brownish hair and what I thought was very nice eyes. Given schedules, we opted to meet sooner rather than later, and I was complimented that someone who appeared to be as handsome as he was could be interested in meeting me.

I met him in Boston. I had to search through a bookstore to find him, and he mentioned that his shoes would be the giveaway feature--black and white--if I couldn't identify who he was. I found him on the basement level looking through some of the used books on display there. He was short--shorter than I imagined. He had apparently not put a great deal of thought or effort into what he decided to wear--a pair of jeans and a t-shirt made of some grey, synthetic cloth. He didn't do much at all to his hair, if he even combed it. He was carrying about fifteen or twenty more pounds on him than he displayed online. The worst thing of all, I think, was the fact that he looked just like a lecturer I had years prior--a rather unattractive-looking woman, actually.

I think I did a very good job of not making this assessment evident to him. I was determined to evaluate in a "big picture" fashion. I had a hard time, though, getting past the fact that I felt I had become a victim of classic false advertising. There is a fine line, sometimes, between emphasizing good qualities and exaggerating them. Of course, we pick our best shots, but I think the line is drawn when you think someone is attractive in these pictures and then you meet them, only to be thinking "what is this about?"

Sometimes I miss the up-close-and-in-person dating experience. At least then, in a matter of what may be a few minutes, possibility is either proven to be so or is curtailed right off. Instead, perhaps you are more inclined to really try and make something of a situation like the above because you went through such a process online to get to know more about him or her. Then, in a split second, as if you were right back in that bar and only looking around, you realize that this person is not for you--that you wouldn't have approached him or her if you really were at that bar--and you really have to go find someone else, regardless of all your work.

Why not just get rejected right off? That even seems to have its positives in this case. Otherwise, you may end up on a no-where-going date with glamour shot boy.

Monotony versus Passion

Yesterday, I had to wait for someone to pick me up, so I agreed to meet at a recognizable landmark in the form of a Starbucks on a street corner. I was fortunate enough to snag one of the coveted armchairs across from a group of teenage girls, whose attention spans would inevitably lead to their leaving about twenty minutes after arrival, and next to a later-middle-aged couple who were obviously local and spending a leisurely Saturday morning in town sipping coffee.

I pulled out my book. I was planning on trying to finish it before my ride arrived. However, about half an hour into my Starbucks experience, I had to pull out the iPod. The woman of the couple, who was sitting directly on my right, did not stop talking about ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Everything she said could have been left unspoken and no radical consequences would have ensued. She went on and on about the meatloaf in the fridge and plans for meeting friends this week and buying used furniture. Her partner, obviously accustomed to this barrage of needless words, had a section of the newspaper propped in his lap to which he was obviously paying the most attention. A comment or two every now and then would escape from him, which would only give her the impression that he was, in fact, listening regardless of his body language and actions, and she would continue on to the next negligible topic. This went on for about an hour, distracting me enough (I had not her partner's talent for ignoring her while still absorbing what I was reading) to put the earphones on. Eventually, she left on some errand, so her partner and I were left in peace for the remainder of my visit.

I was left pondering--is this what it boils down to after twenty, thirty years of marriage? I observed a procession of habitual conduct on her part as well as his, and no one thought that wasn't enough. Next Saturday will probably play out for them in exactly the same way--they know that and neither of them are dissatisfied by that. I can't believe that anyone really sat around and thought to himself/herself that he/she truly wanted that to be the bulk of interaction in his or her marriage. However, habit is comfortable. I am sure that their relationship, on the other hand, includes few fights or conflicts, debates on points of interest or belief, and few misunderstandings that are actually revealed. Yes, habit creates flow, and that flow is a smooth ride. But that smooth ride also excludes the opportunity to really know someone and to really feel anything amounting to strong emotions.

Is that really a trade then? To choose the comfort of smooth sailing or the (at least occasionally) bumpy ride? Or, is it because we never equate conflict--fights, regretted words, misunderstandings--with strong feelings and passion? On both sides of that line, when the word "love" is used, does it really mean the same thing?

Oh, well, at least I can cook something more interesting than meatloaf.

Ignoring the Red Flags

A few months ago, I was dating this guy I had met who seemed really interested in getting to know me better. He was a nice guy--he worked as a director for a local theater company, he listened to a lot of the same kinds of music as I did, he liked photography and had tried his hand at it, and he was generally good company and a good conversationalist. There was a time when there was no question in my mind that he was interested, and perhaps even more than myself. After a time, when I was a little more well assured that his interest was genuine and his intentions good, I made my own attempts to get to know him better. I asked him questions about what he did--I even made suggestions about different ideas--and we could spend a long time talking on the phone about them. There was a point when I could usually expect a call from him at some point during the day, although this usually fell at night given he was rehearsing a play. I actually didn't see him very often at all, although plans seemed to be consistently in the works.

And then....nothing. Well, not right away nothing, but rather a jump from a rush to a trickle, and then, to nothing at all. Suddenly, he was so very busy. He had a stomach bug, he had to play catch-up with his performers, he was in the theater until midnight every day. He promised me he would talk to me "soon", and then, soon never came.

Let's go back and examine the proverbial "red flags" in this situation prior to his mysterious "disappearance".

Red Flag #1: I heard lots about his job and what he was doing, but I saw very little of it.

In fact, he didn't even tell me the name of the theater company he worked for. I had to go online and sift through at least five google pages in order to come up with anything. The only reason I DID find it was because I was able to match the plays he told me the company was in the process of putting on to a website. He claimed early on the reason he didn't share a lot of personal information was because he assumed people didn't want to know much about it. Hmmmm....I see. When he was "working on this play," he never got home earlier than about 10 or 10:30, and on a late night, two hours later could be resonably expected.

The big, glaring thing about this one has to do with a very basic premise--or perhaps assumption. If you are putting on a play to which the general public is invited, why not invite the chick you're seeing to the event, too? You can impress her with your amazing directorial skills and show her what you do. Although the play he worked on ran for eight performances over two weekends, an invitation was never implied, even before he fell off the face of the planet.

Red Flag #2: It's all about timing...

After the whole "segretation" of potential partner from the rest of one's life has been examined, next, it's the "whens" in relation to free time. Now, due to his overwhelming job commitment, he had little to no free time--and if he did have any, it started rather late and I was unwilling to meet up with someone after 10 pm. The other problem was that he never made any set plans with me ahead of time. He would vaguely say that we should "meet up this week" and then, his job would interfere and I'd hear from him at about 12:30 am all week if at all. The result, not surprisingly, was that we never regularly met up at all, for all his enthusiasm.

Another problem had to do with odd jobs that would suddenly come up. One Friday night, he called me in the evening en route to work as a stagehand for his boss, who was short staffed backstage all weekend. He sensed I was rather annoyed by this development. I wrote him an e-mail about it later, explaining my sentiments. His reply, also by e-mail and not until 4 pm the following day, admitted that no, he was not required to do this extra work but that it occasionally happened and then he went on for another paragraph about how much he really, really wanted to see me. Well, in my experience, if someone really, really wants anything, he may actually do something dramatic and put some effort in to get it. Another time, after five days of rehearsal in a row, he so kindly obliged the two lead performers in his play by holding an additional rehearsal on a Friday night....until 10 pm. I don't know too many college students who would beg to give up any part of their coveted weekend evenings, do you?

Red Flag #3: The sudden "drop off"

Anyone to whom this has ever happened knows exactly what I mean when I say that. Suddenly, I stopped hearing much from him. What was an hour on the phone became fifteen minutes. Oh, he had a stomach bug and couldn't talk for long....but he felt better "hearing" my voice. Then, upon recovery, he had to work so hard to catch up with his play that he couldn't call, much less see me. What was an e-mail a day was now nothing at all. What was an immediate response to my own e-mails to him became a few lines here and there "promising" to get in touch soon in one case and "canceling the best laid plans" in another.

Red Flag #4: "I'm not trying to ignore you"

Well he couldn't have done a better job if he were actually trying. I called him at first asking, then later, demanding, to know what was going on. I wrote to him countless times, and the bottom line was the same--please, don't leave me hanging. If this isn't for you, just say so--it's Ok. Still, nothing. My last communication from him was a very short e-mail that said he hadn't been trying to ignore me and that he would talk to me soon. If either of those premises were true, do you think I would be writing this post today?

I have to say that my "female intuition" on the matter did have my guard up the whole time. I never really opened up to him in terms of myself--I usually ask people a lot of questions about who they are or what they like, but I didn't with him. I took the relationship very slowly the whole time. I couldn't ignore the fact that he said one thing and did the opposite. He wanted to see me, but didn't make that happen. He wasn't trying to ignore me, but my questions and concerns never met with any replies. How his time could have been so wholly taken up by a small-time non-profit local theater company seven days a week was more inconceivable to me than anything else. I had a feeling once his calls and e-mails fell off with the protests of being busy all the time that something had changed somewhere along the line. I had a feeling that it was going to end like this--and I hated being right.

Ok, idiots of the world, here's a bulletin for you: YOU aren't the only person that matters. Yeah, it's gotta suck having to tell that chick that you aren't really interested. It's even worse having to tell her that you weren't straight with her about not being interested in someone else, for example. However, don't wind up a hypocrite--remember, you can never be entirely certain that your actions won't come back and bite you in the ass one day when you least expect them to.

On my end, I should have read the writing on the wall and went with it. I'll kick myself happily for that one because I would prefer to be a fool over being a jerk.

Sugar Daddy Dot What?

When I was in college, the only talk show that was ever on TV was the Jerry Springer Show. Yeah, I know, cliched. However, it did provide us with some lunch hour entertainment that was in no way related to our studies.

So, I left one channel on a little too long and on comes Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil, as we all know, burst on the scene as Oprah's sidekick a few years ago. Now, he has a program all his own where he gets sixty minutes to verbally abuse small groups of people.

Today, the topic wasn't cheating partners or abusive parents or drug problems. Instead, Dr. Phil focused on a few couples who "met" at a dating service called SugarDaddy.com. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that someone came up with a dating service that paired up varying kinds of exploitative opportunists. Perhaps there is an advantage to having such clear, self-serving motives when dating. For the rest of us, we are forced to "weed out" people that fall into unacceptable categories. For Sugar Daddy daters, I suppose their weeding out process includes eliminating women with cellulite and men with small bankrolls. For us, it's selecting out the people who don't take us seriously enough or who don't share our interests or who don't appreciate us for who we are.

Wow--simple solution. Choose something really black and white--something either you or your partner should or should not have that doesn't have a grey area, and then, voila--relationship success.

Where did I go wrong?