Yesterday, I had to wait for someone to pick me up, so I agreed to meet at a recognizable landmark in the form of a Starbucks on a street corner. I was fortunate enough to snag one of the coveted armchairs across from a group of teenage girls, whose attention spans would inevitably lead to their leaving about twenty minutes after arrival, and next to a later-middle-aged couple who were obviously local and spending a leisurely Saturday morning in town sipping coffee.
I pulled out my book. I was planning on trying to finish it before my ride arrived. However, about half an hour into my Starbucks experience, I had to pull out the iPod. The woman of the couple, who was sitting directly on my right, did not stop talking about ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Everything she said could have been left unspoken and no radical consequences would have ensued. She went on and on about the meatloaf in the fridge and plans for meeting friends this week and buying used furniture. Her partner, obviously accustomed to this barrage of needless words, had a section of the newspaper propped in his lap to which he was obviously paying the most attention. A comment or two every now and then would escape from him, which would only give her the impression that he was, in fact, listening regardless of his body language and actions, and she would continue on to the next negligible topic. This went on for about an hour, distracting me enough (I had not her partner's talent for ignoring her while still absorbing what I was reading) to put the earphones on. Eventually, she left on some errand, so her partner and I were left in peace for the remainder of my visit.
I was left pondering--is this what it boils down to after twenty, thirty years of marriage? I observed a procession of habitual conduct on her part as well as his, and no one thought that wasn't enough. Next Saturday will probably play out for them in exactly the same way--they know that and neither of them are dissatisfied by that. I can't believe that anyone really sat around and thought to himself/herself that he/she truly wanted that to be the bulk of interaction in his or her marriage. However, habit is comfortable. I am sure that their relationship, on the other hand, includes few fights or conflicts, debates on points of interest or belief, and few misunderstandings that are actually revealed. Yes, habit creates flow, and that flow is a smooth ride. But that smooth ride also excludes the opportunity to really know someone and to really feel anything amounting to strong emotions.
Is that really a trade then? To choose the comfort of smooth sailing or the (at least occasionally) bumpy ride? Or, is it because we never equate conflict--fights, regretted words, misunderstandings--with strong feelings and passion? On both sides of that line, when the word "love" is used, does it really mean the same thing?
Oh, well, at least I can cook something more interesting than meatloaf.
