Oh, God, NOT the 80's....

Oh, yes, we all knew it would happen....

As soon as those bell-bottomed trousers hit the market sometime in the mid-late 1990's, we all knew what the next step was going to be, and now, it has happened.

The fashions of the 80's are officially back. And they are just as hideous today as they were before.

Skinny Jeans: These are not made with women's bodies in mind because they are completely unflattering to anything that could be considered bodily curves. They hug your leg from hip to ankle, which only serves to make your ass look even bigger. Of course, the slight modification to the 80's version of this style is the "hip hugger" level of the waist-line. At least when they fell at or just below your natural waist, you could salvage some semblence of pride in your feminine form because the jeans at least outlined your whole butt. Now, they are slung about halfway down, so you have these very attractive handles of flesh protruding because of the natural inevitability that are "hips." The result of this is your looking dangerously close to down someone else's butt-crack, whether or not by choice.

"Gym"-Like Tops: Nothing says "hot" like a shirt that hangs all the way down your front, made out of some extra-cheap, thin sweat-material. It's even better when you layer them--like put a t-shirt version on first, then a tank top variety. Wow, instant fashion. It so well complements the skinny jeans--you get baggy on top where you don't want it, and then restrictively thin on the bottom, where you don't want or need it. Great idea.

The "Decorative" Belt: To add to this outfit, why not try to sling a huge, four inch wide, gaudy belt around where your waist never was meant to exist. The advantage is if you do insist upon wearing the jeans that will send the masses running by revealing the top two inches of buttock-divide, the belt certainly will cover that area, and then some. These can be leather, woven, metal, or what-have-you. The only problem is that they look like crap and serve no purpose.

Boots: Here I am in one of the wettest nations in the world. So, you would expect a run on the rubber and/or leather markets here, but instead, the big thing is suede boots, most of the time covered in ill-place buckles and fake animal fur that you tuck your skinny jeans into. It's like watching a bunch of pseudo-merry men run around in Sherwood Forest.

The "Torn-Ends" Skirt: It apparently costs more to purchase a skirt that looks mutilated than it would to buy a normally-cut skirt and mutilate it yourself. The result, either way, is flaps of fabric flowing in the breeze. And you never thought that Madonna's outfits circa-1984 would last....

Let's hope this doesn't last long. I think that this is the first time in my life I have pride in being "out of style." At least my ass doesn't look twice as large as it is, my boobs aren't hidden under layers of work-out clothing, and I can walk through any and all of York's many consistenly-existing puddles with no fear.