False Advertising

One of the main drawbacks to Internet dating is not meeting the other person face to face right away. As tough as it is to go to an evening hot spot and gather up the courage to talk to someone you spot across the room, at least the visual package is right in front of you immediately--you decide whether or not you want to approach someone based on what you see. The person you talk to, on the other hand, is put in the same position. He or she can take a look at you and get a sense of whether or not he or she finds you attractive. Perhaps this is why it takes so much to strike up a conversation with someone in that situation--you know that you've just put that person in the driver's seat. You desperately try and read every sign you possibly can for something affirmative--hand motions, words, looks. Sometimes, you land the ultimate sign of success--a phone number (well, that also could be a front, too, especially if you call and find out it is the number for a local pizza delivery service). Other times, you can tell right off that the other person isn't interested and you have to extract yourself from the situation with as much dignity as you can muster.

I've heard a lot of people complain about profile pictures on dating sites. No matter what site you use, there is a photo posting option--on some, you can put up only a handful while on others, you can put up nearly as many as you want to. Of course the object is to "sell" yourself as best as you can. In my case, I don't have a whole library of pictures to choose from, so I pull out a few of myself and my friends or family (indicating which one I am, for the sake of argument). Sometimes, I'll throw up a shot or two of myself in costume, just as a conversation piece. However, upon meeting people, the shock and surprise conveyed has to do with the fact that apparently, I choose pictures that actually look like me. In my own experience, there is, of course, a slight variation between picture and live person--a variety of facial expressions, perhaps a different hair cut, but fortunately, most of the time, I have been able to pick out my prospective date from a crowd based on my recollection of the pictures I have seen of him.

There was one date I went on where that was not the case. I started communicating with him online, and he had two pictures on display on the site (which allowed a maximum of four). One was the always suspect black and white glamour shot and the other was a nice picture of him in a suit at what appeared to be a wedding. He had brownish hair and what I thought was very nice eyes. Given schedules, we opted to meet sooner rather than later, and I was complimented that someone who appeared to be as handsome as he was could be interested in meeting me.

I met him in Boston. I had to search through a bookstore to find him, and he mentioned that his shoes would be the giveaway feature--black and white--if I couldn't identify who he was. I found him on the basement level looking through some of the used books on display there. He was short--shorter than I imagined. He had apparently not put a great deal of thought or effort into what he decided to wear--a pair of jeans and a t-shirt made of some grey, synthetic cloth. He didn't do much at all to his hair, if he even combed it. He was carrying about fifteen or twenty more pounds on him than he displayed online. The worst thing of all, I think, was the fact that he looked just like a lecturer I had years prior--a rather unattractive-looking woman, actually.

I think I did a very good job of not making this assessment evident to him. I was determined to evaluate in a "big picture" fashion. I had a hard time, though, getting past the fact that I felt I had become a victim of classic false advertising. There is a fine line, sometimes, between emphasizing good qualities and exaggerating them. Of course, we pick our best shots, but I think the line is drawn when you think someone is attractive in these pictures and then you meet them, only to be thinking "what is this about?"

Sometimes I miss the up-close-and-in-person dating experience. At least then, in a matter of what may be a few minutes, possibility is either proven to be so or is curtailed right off. Instead, perhaps you are more inclined to really try and make something of a situation like the above because you went through such a process online to get to know more about him or her. Then, in a split second, as if you were right back in that bar and only looking around, you realize that this person is not for you--that you wouldn't have approached him or her if you really were at that bar--and you really have to go find someone else, regardless of all your work.

Why not just get rejected right off? That even seems to have its positives in this case. Otherwise, you may end up on a no-where-going date with glamour shot boy.