Polyamory: Selfless or Selfish?

To those of us who grew up in the "Grunge" era, MTV doesn't seem to do anything right these days. There are no music videos and an increasing number of the programs feature the self-centered lives of richer-than-you'll-ever-be teens. However, there is one show that because it is done well, is very thought provoking. That program is True Life.

Recently, I watched a True Life episode that focused on Polyamorous "couples" (or groups, as it were). The show focused on two individuals--a young woman involved with a slightly older girl, who had a boyfriend and a young homosexual man living with his "boyfriend" and his boyfriend's boyfriend (if that makes sense). There was a common strand that ran between these two individuals, regardless of how different their situations were. Both of them were noticeably unsatisfied in their relationships, and both were in the process of exploring "adding" an additional member to the existing group relationships.

I don't know too many--read ANY--polyamorous "families," at least none who are open about their lifestyles enough to talk about them. I cannot presume to judge from the inside, and I don't want to, either. However, there seems to be two "trends" in the polyamorous lifestyle, and one of them is decidedly negative.

I've read news stories and seen TV features about happy polyamorous people, and I don't doubt they exist. If everyone involved understands and accepts the basic premise of the collective relationship, there is really nothing to say about it. I don't believe that in all cases, at least someone is unhappy and not expressing it--that happens in all kinds of relationships, and I suspect the rates of dissatisfaction are about the same between monogamous and polyamorous couples. The best examples I am aware of are circular in form. Participants balance their love for each other together as a group. If that is what they want and no one genuinely gets hurt, then that is perfectly fine.

What I observed on True Life was entirely different, and dare I say, selfish, but not on the part of everyone involved. Each "group" had a center in its circle, and this center was the source of a lot of grief on the part of at least one partner, generally the featured individual on the program. The groups had three distinct roles--the "center" of the group, a laid-back individual that probably could have cared less either way, and the person who was noticeably "left out." In each case, it seems that the group center decided one day that monogamy with either "left out" person or "laid-back" person was kind of dull, had a revelation, transformed into an enlightened polyamorist, and added someone new to the mix. "Center" person felt fulfilled. However, "laid-back" person and "left out" person couldn't get together and share this circle of love--oh, no--they both were in the relationship for "center" person. As a result, when "left out" person in both cases made the decision to add someone new themselves, probably because he/she was tired of watching "center" person lavish all attention on the "laid-back" party, "center" person had a difficult time. "Center" person may have grit his or her teeth and beared it, but always with a manipulative edge buried into their well-wishing. In one of the two cases in the show, the "center" person lashed out, dragging the "left out" candidate into group therapy. Although the therapist was supposedly an expert on gay, polyamorous relationships, he failed to see that the "center" was manipulating the group to ensure that his needs were fulfilled. However, he did point out a flaw in the whole process--that when times get tough, the polyamorous may be more likely to look outside of the relationship for a solution in the form of a new partner to add to the group.

I'm not the type of person who would embark on this kind of a relationship for many reasons. I enjoyed viewing a window into a different lifestyle, but in the cases presented, the practice had more to do with one person who is being selfish, one who doesn't care, and one who has no idea what he/she is getting into, and later, feels it doesn't live up to what had been imagined. In the most ideal of circumstances, the individuals in the group have to practice the ultimate form of selflessness to make polyamory work, and I commend anyone and everyone who accomplishes this. On the other hand, though, could it be the ultimate form of selfishness on the part of all involved parties? Could it be the result of a group of self-centered people getting together and sharing that one trait between them?

I honestly have no idea. I wish anyone and everyone well who engages in this kind of a relationship--I hope it does work out.