Bird in the Hand, Bird in the Bush

In our younger dating years, we seem to come into a very regular conflict between who we want to date and who is immediately "available" to us. When I say "available", I perhaps should say "interested" instead. In the sagas that are high school and college, we find ourselves put into social situations where the people someone is interested in may not be so obviously interested reciprocally, but then again, another person appears on the sidelines who is certainly interested. It's the age-old "bird in the hand" scenario. Should you go out with the person who you know for sure wants to date you? I mean, who knows what could happen there--you may not have paid much attention at first, but that interest could blossom into a romance if you give it a chance. However, that would certainly force you to give up your pursuit of your desired object (well, most of the time, that's what it means). So, what should you do?

The choice you make in situations like these generally reflects upon how you feel about rejection in a more general way. You'll be more apt to take the sure thing over the gamble if you are in a social environment like high school with a number of well-meaning but often pressure-some peers. Those peers will ultimately see you with someone else--proving someone has an interest in you, which can be a self-esteem boost. However, what they won't see is the possible failure of your exploits to get the other so-and-so to notice you. It's not so much that you raise yourself so high in your peers' estimation when you are "with" someone as how much you may fall if you pursue and it comes to no avail. Inevitably, if you do go after Mr. Bird-in-the-Bush, your interest will be noted by others, and if you fail, well, that will certainly be a blow to your own self-esteem as well as a possible blow to your image in the eyes of the people around you. Hence, in this case, the choice does produce a dilhemna.

As you get older, you hope that this picture abates, and I'd be willing to say that it usually does. Later on, it may become manifest in pressure to marry, for example "because everyone else is." A friend of mine--or maybe an acquaintance is a better description given I had no respect for how she acted or her poor-little-rich-girl nonsense--went to a college (ironically the same one as at least one of her parents) where it was commonplace that students became engaged during their four-year tenure as undergraduates. In fact, it was apparently somewhat "odd" if you were not by year three or four. As you can probably assume, she got engaged to a guy she met there, just like everyone else around her. Thankfully, she either came to her senses or didn't feel like giving up her happy-go-lucky and partially-destructive lifestyle, and the engagement ended within a few months of the wedding. In the case of the college I attended, the chapel on campus proudly announced to incoming students that 70% of alumni married other alumni, and most in their place of worship. Well, I thought this was rather hyperbolic--until I graduated and in each ensuing "alumni class" letter, this guy was marrying this girl, etc. It didn't seem that any of them once thought that perhaps the environment played a part in their decisions, perhaps the fact that "everyone else was doing it", and maybe their sometimes-extreme and overblown displays of love and devotion to their partners wasn't so much a miraculous gift from God that they thought. Granted, I do know at least one couple who were truly a matched pair and met there, and there was nothing superficial about it, but that's one out of that 70% rate.

So, what does this have to do with rejection? It goes back to the bird-in-the-hand argument. Why bother looking, putting yourself, your self-esteem, and your reputation on the line if you don't have to? Well, in the end, suffering your fair share of rejection is healthy. It's about risk taking. You don't learn a thing, or grow an inch, without falling flat on your face and looking like an idiot. There are going to be times when you offer to hand a phone number over to someone who may take it out of courtesy and not call you. There are going to be times you are going to actively pursue someone and that someone may reject you in not-so-courteous ways, too. You're going to have to go home, lick your wounds, hold your head up when you don't want to, listen to ridiculous music like Daniel Powter's "Bad Day" on continuous playback, and maybe even face that person again. However, regardless of how unrealistic it is, it may be better to shoot for the self-reassurance that being rejected, and your learning how to take it, affords. That way, maybe one day, you'll hand your number over to someone, and although you may be eager to see if that person will call you, you know you won't be taking any mental health days if the phone never rings.

In a way, this applies to more than just relationships--putting yourself on the line in life will prompt lots of rejection--I mean, I am sure everyone can relate when it comes to job hunting. And I am also sure that there are those people out there who have perhaps stopped sending out so many applications to the "reach" jobs and/or schools because of the chance that another thin "thank you for applying, but..." envelope will arrive in the mailbox. If you thought that perhaps saying hi and starting a conversation with someone who you weren't sure was remotely interested in you would have combatted that fear, don't you think you would have done it?