The Relationship Saboteur

The "Sabotage Scenario" can exist in almost any part of anyone's life. There are a lot of potentially high-stress events, jobs, and relationships out there, and sometimes, people will deliberately sabotage them to alleviate that stress. Basically, to the "saboteur," the removal of that stress is more important than taking the risk on that promotion, that presentation, or inevitably, that relationship.

I am convinced that my first eHarmony match fell into that category. I made a thirty-minute trek out to meet him, even though it was a less than ideal day weather-wise for the time of year. I paid to park the car--the only available option. I met him in a public place, and we started walking. He did a lot of the talking, I asked a lot of the questions, and what I heard wasn't exactly thrilling. He talked about how he didn't know who he was (strike there), how he changed his personality with each person he met and hung out with (uh-oh), and how he felt lost (oh, geez). We walked probably about two miles in cool, damp weather, without his suggesting anywhere to stop for even just a cup of coffee (since this was his environment, that really was his job to do). We eventually stopped at a subway station where he took off and I headed back to my car. It was an extremely unsuccessful date--on top of his obvious lack of interest, he went beyond not actually trying. Without knowing it, he turned off his "that's not a good idea to share" filter, and nothing he said inspired me to make an attempt to know him better. What's worse was his inability to even be polite, something everyone should at least try to be in any situation like this. I am sure it surprises no one that this went absolutely no where.

The worst was a guy I met later, and actually dated for a while. He initiated communication with me, and he started by writing very long letters about his job and his interests. After meeting up, we saw each other for about five months, mostly on the weekends between his really packed schedule. On days we couldn't see each other, we talked on the phone until really late at night. I saw a lot of potential in this situation--he was interested, and in fact at first, more interested than I was.

This went so bad so quickly that to this day, I am still baffled by it all. He ended up working on a project that took up a lot of his evening time for a little while, but we made it work (mostly because I was willing to go out late to see him--not because he tried to make his schedule work around it). Then, he came down with some kind of stomach bug, and we only spoke briefly for a few days. Days later, he went back to work, and communication entirely fell off the map. I called him to ask him what was going on, and later on, to ask him to just be honest with me if he had changed his mind about the situation. I did receive replies to e-mails I wrote, and they continued to lead me to believe he was interested. We planned to meet one weekend night, but he cancelled the plans a day before they were due to occur. I went out on a limb, wrote him a letter, and actually drove it over to his house, just to demonstrate to him how I was still interested and willing to work things out. I received my last e-mail from him in response to that letter, and although he assured me he would call soon, I never heard from him again.

Looking back on this case, it was the little things that added up to a main reason. So often, he said how he didn't want to "mess things up." When I asked him about his previous relationship history, he had dozens more relationships to report than I did, and I wondered how long they could have possibly lasted if there were so many. If there were ever a choice between his work and going out with me, he always chose the former option, and mostly without a clue as to why that had a negative effect on the relationship. I admit, when he started to fall off the map, my attitude about it was increasingly frustrated and annoyed, and I am sure that was conveyed via e-mail and on the phone. I think he realized that if the relationship had proceeded any farther, he would have had to choose between spending as many hours as he wanted at work and balancing work with his relationship with me. Upon coming to this realization, it wasn't worth the effort it would take to make that adjustment. When I spoke to him, he probably felt momentarily guilty about the situation enough to assure me that we would work it out, but once the phone was safely on the receiver, that feeling dissipated into a need to get out of it all. He wasn't going to compromise, he wasn't going to rearrange his schedule. He was going to do the opposite, knowing that eventually the relationship would end. Maybe when he knew I was upset, he rushed right into "I messed this up," and wanted out to try again with someone new.

I would put all of my money on his being single right now, and it's not that he doesn't realize why he is--it's that he doesn't want to think about it.

What's the best course of action if you notice signs of the relationship saboteur? It probably isn't worth continuing. Even if the first few attempts aren't successful, eventually, that person will drive you away, and he or she may use more and more dramatic means to do so if subtle ways don't work. The bottom line is that this person is too self-centered and either is unaware of that or is aware and doesn't care, and on top of that, will be trying to make you miserable enough to leave. Three words: Not Worth It.