I'm sure it comes as no surprise to anyone that at 30 years old, friends of mine are getting married right and left. Regardless of how many years it has been or how much physical distance has come between you, it is still odd to hear about a former lover getting married. An important hallmark of a good relationship is distancing oneself from previous partners and making sure that even the most second-chance inclined know that you're unavailable. The hope is that when you get to the point you want to marry someone, you have gotten over the things that have damaged, and even ended, previous relationships.
"Dave" was a nice guy I met through several friends quite a long time ago. Dave was good-looking, enthusiastic, and a genuine guy. However, there were two main problems that would haunt, and eventually end, our short relationship--a bad break-up with a previous girlfriend (who he was NOT over) and the fact that our maturity levels were not matched particularly well.
I think Dave was pretty typical for his age when it came to maturity--he was in his very early 20s at the time with all the trappings that age manifests in guys. He seemed to prefer younger girls to someone like me, who was slightly older. He was a huge fan of Averil Lavigne (who was 17 at the time), and seemed to more than admire her from afar. Come to find out, she was the closest celebrity version of his previous girlfriend. I had a sneaking suspicion that he wasn't as interested in me as he claimed to be the whole time. He started asserting that because his last relationship was so bad, he wouldn't be fully intimate with anyone new until he had been with that person for a full year. This can be viewed in two ways--either he was young and naive enough to believe he could put a date on something like that in a one-relationship-fits-all fashion, or I just wasn't the person with whom he wanted to be intimate. The fact that he was eagerly pulled into a vacant room for a make-out session with one of my friends months before we started dating lent credence to the latter supposition, although I am sure the former was part of it as well. Don't get me wrong--we did have fun doing things, but in retrospect, that fun was more friend-oriented. I was confused by this, and I did some thinking about it at one point. Then, I decided to talk to him about my conclusions.
I pulled him aside one night in my kitchen. I explained to him that I didn't think he was completely over his last girlfriend before he started dating me. I felt that he probably considered me a "nice girl," or the opposite of what she was, and therefore, a good dating choice. What he failed to consider was the idea that perhaps he shouldn't have been seeing anyone at all--that he shouldn't have been using someone "nice" to try and get over someone "mean." The worst thing about this conversation? The fact that he confirmed I was correct.
And, no shock here, we went our separate ways.
Sometimes, a marriage is a sign that someone got past a lot of the issues and problems that kept them from choosing the right person or having a rewarding relationship. I hope this is the case for Dave. He deserves a good, strong, supportive relationship with someone special. However, I hope he remembers one very important thing--so does the young lady he married.
3 comments:
such a nice story...very touching but sometimes it happen..thanks for sharing.
I cringed as I read this because I have known friends in similar relationships throughout the years. There's always that one guy who is not over his ex. Sigh. I hope for his sake (and his wife) that Dave has matured a lot.
I can understand guys liking younger girls, but I don't understand them wanting to be with someone so young (like 17). A few years ago I met this cute, fun guy and we got along great. I was 23 (but looked 16) and he was 23 as well. When he found out that I was the same age as him, he was visibly upset. He finally admitted that he only liked to date much younger girls (his last gf had been 17) and he broke things off with me. So...apparently he was only with me b/c he thought I was in high school. What a perv! :S
On another note, I do agree with you that it is a bit unsettling to see friends and former school mates get married left and right. But then again, I already know quite a few who are divorced by now too. Ha!
My wife and I had to work through a lot of issues when we first got married. Mainly because she was young and my issues have issues. The first couple of years weren't easy.
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