First Date Do's and Don'ts

Ok, so, you're on or going on a first date--what should you do?

The first thing to remember about a first date is what the purpose of a first date is. No, it's not to determine whether or not the other person's genes are suitable for combination with your own. Instead, the only purpose of a first date, unlike any other, is to decide whether a second date is in order. It's basically asking yourself whether or not you think you would like to "learn more" or be a party to more interaction with the person you went on the first date with. Now, if you carry expectations beyond finding out if you want a second date, then you will be sadly disappointed.

As I pondered some of my own first dates--the good and the bad, I would like to present FIVE main do's and don'ts that may save you from the frustration of the curse of the one-date-and-no-date.

Number One: Take your date's hand.

Ok, simple, right? No not so much. Let me describe a situation to you from my own experience. I went out with a guy, a very nice guy I might add, who, very much like myself, wanted to get around masses of people with blank looks on their faces and generally slow moving crowds. Like myself, he would curb around them, skirt around the outside of the perimeter of the groups of people. However, that works great when you're on your own....and it doesn't when you have a date. Especially a date you're taking around a place you know well and your date doesn't at all. He would walk around all of these people at a quick pace--a pace and in a pattern I could not predict, then turn around wondering where I was, and be surprised when he found me behind the other sholder he wasn't looking around. In addition, just to make it all the more frustrating for me, he actually asked me how I felt walking around in my shoes (and you know most women's shoes are made for appearance rather than comfort), explaining that he always was sensitive to a woman's shoes. Ironic given I was always walking behind him, regardless of wearing heels, flats, flip-flops or sneakers.

So, what should you do? Even if you find that you aren't really interested in the person you're with, it is COMMON COURTESY to take her hand. She is your date--she came with you. It also isn't much of a sacrifice to control your pace for the purposes of walking with your date. I promise that you can raise your walking speed back up to its original levels when you're back home and on your own.

Number Two: Use tact in what you choose to say.

Yes, we all wish for a world where we can all be open and say whatever we like without judgement. However, you should remember that you're on a first date and the whole point of it is judgement, so of course what you say, or don't say, matters. It is unwise to say certain things because they may come out wrong or be mistinterpreted, or simply appear tactless. For example, it isn't a good idea to start expounding upon how proud you are about your lack-of-marital status with a date who may be considering a long term relationship with you. I was with a guy who described, with enthusiasm, how he made note of his "lack of a ring" to those who asked, and proclaimed resolutely "I'm 24, no way I'm going to be married." Ok, my commentary on this may sound like yet another woman who should appear in one of those ridiculous, written for the masses, novels, but it isn't that you are or should be assessing your first date as a possible marital partner. Instead, that kind of enthusiasm on the part of your date could be interpreted as an inability to commit, to deeply care, or to embark on anything resembling a long term relationship. If you do feel this way about marriage, best to put any exclamation of that off if you are, say, out with someone with whom you are thinking about starting a relationship of any kind with.

The point is to be tactful. In the same vein, while mid-process into your date, don't ask him or her "how do you think it's going?" It has too much potential to force a lack of honesty with you. I don't know too many people who would be bluntly honest and say "you know, I'm not having a great time." Whether or not your date is having the time of his or her life with you, he or she will be forced to proclaim that the date is going great. Best to leave questions like these to after the date is over and both of you get time to think about it.

Number Three: Rules of Conversation

Conversation, by definition, implies participation by more than one person. I will venture to say that conversation is far more important on a first date than impressing your date with witty comments. One liners that are ten words or less may bring a response from your date, but that's far from "conversation" because nothing truly gets shared. You don't go away learning anything more about the other person other than on a scale of one to ten, how witty you think he or she is. Banter is great fun, and if you can comfortably do that with another person, at least communication in one way isn't a problem for the two of you, but at some point, it has got to stop and give way to something more personal. The worst thing you can do is think that your wit needs to shine every possible minute it can. Then, you end up entertaining like a stand-up comic and, what's worse, feeling obligated to continue to entertain in that vein. What you may notice is that your date becomes more and more quiet with each one liner you dish out, and you end up thinking "I'm working hard here, what's the deal?" The deal, my friend, is your approach. Talk to her/him, not at her/him.

Another possible conversation-blocker is teasing. Teasing is great grade-school fun and occasionally breaks the ice, but it can also refreeze an already thawed pond if done wrongly or, more importantly, too often. Your date does not want to hear that her or she is wrong all the time, especially on minor things such as how he or she says certain things. Every tease, if out of place and done too many times no matter how fun-loving or well meaning, just makes your date feel worse about himself/herself. Once you get to know each other, have had some meaningful conversations, and once, most importantly, no one runs the risk of misinterpretting what is probably only playfulness, then you can tease all you like.

If you actually do start the one-on-one conversation, a few rules also apply. When your date, whether asked by you or no, starts talking about something he or she is really into and interested in, regardless of whether or not that subject or interest is the most exciting or boring thing to you in the world, RESPOND TO IT. I cannot tell you how many times I have been in a dating situation or on a date, and I started talking about something that really interested me that perhaps did not spark as much fascination in my date. I could sense I was losing my date along the course of my description to the point that a flashing traffic light was more interesting to him than what I was saying, and as soon as I finished, there would be a pause of about a minute, and to alleviate the quiet, either he or myself would make a comment that completely changed the subject--as if I had said nothing at all.

Responding may mean just simply saying "Wow, you really know a lot about that subject" or "No kidding--that must be fascinating for you." Just a line like that indicates to your date that you were, to some degree, listening, and that you respect his or her interest in something that perhaps doesn't relate to your own little world. The more courteous thing, of course, would be to actually interact with him or her on the topic. LISTEN to what he or she says, and then ask a question, especially if you don't know anything about it, or add in any experience you may have had with it yourself, no matter how small. This demonstrates that you are trying to relate to your date. God forbid, you make the effort to do that, given that is what communication and getting to know your date is all about.

Number Four: Up the Ante.

We would all like sparks to shoot out when we meet "the one" and yadda, yadda, yadda, but if you ask any number of happily married people, or people who have been in long term relationships, a relatively few of them will say to you that "it happened" for them that way. When someone is looking for a "spark," rarely do they have an idea what they are talking about. Why? By definition, a "spark" is a fleeing thing--it lights up, the same way you see that flash of blue light when you bite into a wint-o-green lifesaver in the dark--but IT GOES OUT just as quickly. A spark is made to flash only for a second, and needs to be immediately caught onto something more substancial in order to burn.

Now, if you have a connection, it certainly can go somewhere, but only if you let it. Any and all sparks need a little help to burn--you need the tindercloth out and the oakum ready to catch it. If you don't supply those things, then it doesn't matter if it is there in the first place. To expect that it is going to thrive on its own is laughable to any physicist. So, what do you do?

The way to really test if a spark is there is to do a few more romantic things and see if both of you feel comfortable and enjoy doing them. First, as stated above, put the quips aside for a moment and have a conversation--ask some questions about your date and be attentive and responsive to those answers. Take a walk, take your date's hand (see above on the practical reasons for that), give your date a hug. Allow some phyiscal touching that cannot be explained away by convenience--like you were just sitting close because there wasn't a lot of room, etc. Pass your date a compliment--more than one. LOOK your date IN THE EYES. Be attentive. Be polite. As your date if he or she would mind if you....and fill in the blank with something that can be done for your date, such as rub your date's back, or god forbid, kiss him/her. Don't go away without trying anything and then make a claim that there wasn't a spark there at all. If you didn't try anything, if you didn't let it progress, then the "lack of spark" may simply be because you never allowed it to thrive and it, like any spark without kindling, died.

Number Five: Call afterward.

I can't tell you how many times I haven't been called back or communicated with in some way after a date, and then I got the "I was busy" excuse. Well, thank you, we're all busy, but the old maxim does hold true--where there is a will, there is a way. As my "He's Just Not That Into You" calendar states to me over and over as I turn the pages with each passing day, if your date is interested, there are few holds to bar him or her from jumping on any and all opportunities to talk to you and potentially set up something in the future with you.

Even if it didn't go well or you aren't feeling it, those are not excuses NOT to call. One of the most valuable things after putting yourself on the line to meet someone is closure. None of us want to go without hearing anything or go on being deceived by someone who is no longer really interested but doesn't have the heart--more likely, the balls--to tell you. Signs of that are no more obvious than when someone tries to hold on to a little bit of their behavior patterns with you before you went on your date, but to a noticeable level lesser. For example, say you used to hear from this person by e-mail, and you would get an e-mail at a certain time of day that was generally a certain length, and then upon your response, you would be sure to see a reply by the end of the day. That, after an unsuccessful date, may translate into your sending an e-mail and then waiting a day for a reply that is only three lines long with nothing commital, and most importantly, NO MENTION OF THE DATE whatsoever. If your date isn't expounding upon how much fun he or she had with you, then you KNOW something is up, and if the date is not at all mentioned, you should know what is really going on. Many times, it has taken my perceiving the difference and addressing it myself in order to get anything out of the person I went out with. My advice--give your date a break. If both of you aren't feeling it, it is no one's sole responsibility to address it, but if your date was the one who didn't, he or she better be calling you or e-mailing you ASAP on the matter so you can get over it and move on. Isn't that what anyone would want?

Conclusion:

The key here is take some risks and be a little open to what is going on with your date. The date isn't all about you. And if it doesn't work out, well, no worries on the matter--sooner or later one will. The biggest disappointment is when a date does not work out because one of the above reasons didn't allow it to--because your date didn't communicate with you and when he or she did, he or she did so tactlessly, or because he or she didn't take a romantic risk and then supposed that a spark was never there in the first place. However, if those things happen and potential is not recognized, then that is a sign that other things along the line may also interfere. It is a basic sign of a lack of ability to go outside of oneself, shed some juvenile tendencies, and connect with you. If that is happening, one date may indeed be enough.