Balancing the Want and the Need

There is a distinct difference between people who are happy to have found a good relationship, who have discovered someone they truly connect with and is incredible to them, and those who are happy because they have finally found "a" relationship.

I remember the first days of the MA program that I am currently finishing up. I was sitting about three rows back in a seminar room in the library with all of the other MAs and PhDs in the History Department at a sort of general orientation before breaking up into smaller groups by area of study. In front of me were seated two PhDs, both of them in the same subject area. One was a rather tall young man, boyish-looking but not unhansome--more cute, I suppose, than actually attractive to me, and the other was a chick, smaller in height and frame than myself, decently attractive but nothing really striking. I can pick her out today because I recognized, after hearing her speak, that she was an American. Anyway, I wasn't sure if the two of them had any previous experience together in class or on projects, but what was immediately clear to me was that the guy was making a 150 percent effort to chat her up. That was a sign to me that they probably didn't know each other at all, maybe had seen each other in passing only. He was agreeable, always smiling and being affirmative--I certainly give him credit for trying. She was lukewarmly interested, probably glad for the attention down deep, as we all are whenever admiration comes our way, but there was an apparent "wall" there that was saying "yeah, I'll humor you for now because it's better than being alone in this room." In subsequent occasions when I saw them at the same time, he made further efforts, but as she wasn't responding, his interest gradually fell off.

Why is this story relevant? Well, this young man was not put off or discouraged by the lack of success of his first conquest. I saw him again and again put on the same face and charm with second and third choices. Eventually, since "where there's a will, there's a way," he did find a semi-willing partner along the lines.

This guy is an example of a phenomenon that I consider to be "the relationship seekers." Having observed his behavior over the course of a good period of time, it was clear to me that he wanted "a" relationship. Whether he came to this particular school year with that actively in mind is hard to say, and is in some ways irrelevant. What is relevant is that down deep, at least at the beginning, it didn't matter to him with whom he achieved this goal--well, that's not true, it did to some degree; I mean, he did have to find the girl appealing to pursue her in the first place--but if it were choice one or choice five, a girl he noticed right away or one he suddenly thought didn't look that bad in that skirt at the departmental gatherings, it didn't matter.

In my opinion, this is certainly a guy with whom one could live without. I have no doubt that he probably is capable of getting to know and growing to understand his partner, just like anyone else is in any relationship. However, it is the motivation I don't like--it is very two-dimensional and personally motivated. He did the same thing with each woman he pursued, and if one didn't respond, he found another one fairly quickly to take her place. Then, when he attained his object, he started to push the envelope where he could--he not only wanted to have his relationship with someone, he wanted it to get to a point where there was a developed one-on-one dynamic complete with alone time and cuddling whenever they were together right away.

To be honest, this looks a lot like "rebound" activity rather than relationship pursuit, but perhaps they are motivated by the same thing. He obviously felt some kind of a desire for a relationship to the point that he was going to find something somwhere to satisfy it. On the "rebound," we seek to replace one thing we had with another, and we may act similarly when we find it--we may press a little too hard to quickly as a result. They are both needs, and in both cases, it's a "right here, right now" drive to satisfy them. However, the problem is very fundamental to any relationship that is ultimately successful--they are our needs, they make us focus on what we want only--and as far as I know a relationship is a combination of the wants and needs of two people. If you're starting out on a new course with someone else in your copilot's seat, well, you probably should know where that person wants to go, or needs to go, before you take off.

It's true; I think we are all would probably like to incorporate a relationship into our lives if we don't have one. However, it's how we go about it that makes the difference. I don't think there are too many long-term, stable partnerships out there that have their root with a person like Mr. I-Want-A-Relationship. It boils down to us--who we are. All of us have been this guy once or twice in our lives. The chance for a real relationship--something worth more than just a fleeting investment of our low self-esteem--starts when we decide against giving into feelings like that. Once we give up "needing" a relationship and taking on anything somewhat palatable that comes along, we can begin to ready ourselves to really "be" with someone--to be part of something where we don't "need" to be with someone; instead, we "want" to be with someone--we choose that because it enriches our lives rather than fills a hole. A wise person once said to me that a relationship is three wholes rather than two halves. It's the idea that we come to a relationship as a whole person, the other individual does the same, and the relationship you create together transforms into another whole as you grow together and learn about each other. Does it surprise anyone that he is now happily married? Doesn't surprise me.

He was also the guy who told me that all you need for one romantic evening is a bottle of bubble bath and a home delivered pizza.

Takers, anyone ;-)?