"You Owe Me"

Huh? Say what?

Let's go back.

My time as an MA here at the University of York is about to end, and before I leave, I need to give away and sell some of my belongings--like my TV, for example, my computer printer, and my general "homemaking" equiptment. Since there are a lot of people I have met out here who will either be staying or will be moving somewhere and probably would need one or two of my items, I sent around an e-mail detailing what I had for sale and when people could come and pick it up if they were interested. Fairly quickly, messages came back with interest in this or that item. Of course, the TV and DVD player were the most popular, followed by my futon chair, printer, and coffee making equiptment. I decided to work on a first come, first served basis--the people who came through first and really committed to take the stuff off of my hands would get my most immediate attention, keeping other interested parties on reserve just in case one deal fell through for some reason. I was relieved--it was more important to me to get rid of the items rather than the price people were willing to pay for them and the sooner I could work all of that out, the sooner I could put that to rest.

Well, as simple as some things seem at times, there is always a wrench that has to appear in the works. My wrench was a friend of mine. He expressed interest in some items that had already been claimed by multiple others when I received his e-mail. In the message, he seemed to expect that I was going to put everyone else off until he came by at his own convenience to look through my stuff and see what it is that he may want. Before I had a chance to reply to his message, I got into a conversation with him online. I casually asked him about his job, a job I knew he had taken of late, and he explained he had quit, giving me a description of his financial difficulties. Then, he asked me about my stuff. Now, there were two reasons why I was hesitant to give him any leeway in the acquisition of my belongings--first, because he was one of four people who asked for literally the same things, and he asked for them fourth, and second, because he had trouble even paying for his housing on campus on time, so how did he really expect to pay me any price, no matter how low I offered? I explained that other people had gotten to me first on some of the things he asked for, but that I was willing to give away my "free" items to him first before anyone else could get to them. His reply? "You owe me." And apparently, he at least semi-believed that.

This statement came up again, this time in front of other friends in relation to the same subject. I was visiting him with two other people the other night, and one of the others asked if I were still giving away my things and whether she may look through some of my books for anything she may want. That's when I heard it a second time from him--that cringe-inspiring "You owe me" when I mentioned again that some of my belongings had been picked up early on by interested buyers. I semi-ignored the statement, promising him free access to my cooking supplies, linens and closet hangers. However, I couldn't lose the nagging feeling of irritation and discomfort with his words.

Exactly what did I owe him for? Yes, he had been a friend in many ways, but I thought that had been a reciprocal thing. He had cooked for me, as I had for him. We supported each other on the phone through odd situations. I wouldn't have assumed that relationship placed me in his debt. I also didn't like his supposition that he had done so much more for me than anyone else. It was evidence of a tendency in him to think a little too well of himself without having a whole picture to go on. In addition, if our roles were reversed and I had put such a heavy claim on him in this way, he would probably done what was in his own best interests regardless--he would have given his belongings away to the highest bidder who was the most willing and able to take the stuff away, and he would expect me to respect that. I do not see what THAT can't be reciprocal on his part. I am sure he would brush this off as "just a joke" that I apparently have taken too seriously, but it was said more than once in reference to the same thing, so there is some foundation to it whether or not that is admitted.

You don't owe your friends anything, and if after support and kindness shown you're made to feel like you do, you have to wonder about the nature of that friendship. None of the people I truly consider to be close friends would have ever implied anything like that. It may be a joke, it may just be immaturity, but regardless, it makes one re-evaluate a friendship, and no one ever likes to do that. I would certainly think twice from this day forward when it comes to accepting any of his offers of freely given kindness. I would prefer to reduce the debt that in his mind I owe him rather than increase it by ignorantly supposing that his consideration came for free as opposed to with a price that I had no idea I needed to pay.