The Great Debate about "Settling" for Him

Not surprisingly, this article ticked off a lot of women--and maybe some men, too. The author seems to think that she angered readers because she revealed her own version of a "deep, dark secret" women everywhere carry with them--that they all want to get married.

Unfortunately, I think she really missed the mark.

Ms. Gottlieb, whether she wants to admit it or not, actually made a lot of assumptions. Sadly, one of those assumptions forms the basis of her argument--that women, all women, want to get married, have children, and live happily ever after. And, that we women have to come to terms with this, stop being super selective when seeking our prince charmings, and realize that happiness comes in a form under 5'10" tall with a washboard stomach.

The problem is that Ms. Gottlieb is yet another person among millions of people who make this assumption and reinforce it with their attitudes towards other women. In fact, I think her approach to this makes an air-tight case for the well-founded observation that women are viewed and treated the way they are today because of how other women view and treat them.

I work out almost every day in a women's gym. I really enjoy it--I've met some fantastic people there from all walks of life. However, one woman drives me crazy, and it isn't because she is judgemental. It's because she defines every step of everyone's life, including her own, by what their marital status and child-bearing state was. She spends her 30 minutes of gym time talking about who is pregnant, who just had a baby, how many babies that person or that person had, how "old" that girl is having her first child at 34....I think you get the picture.

This woman, like many women, couldn't tell you when any of the women she talks about got her first job. She couldn't tell you what any of them majored in while at school. She certainly couldn't tell you about any interests or hobbies they have outside of child rearing and husband catching. Even more sadly, she may not be able to say those things about her own life.

Whether it's the assumption that these are the life events that "bond" women together or not, this woman, like Ms. Gottlieb, is unknowingly reinforcing a stereotype that many women, both married and unmarried, mothers and on-their-own, want to break out of. Many women have already moved beyond the idea that their only dream extending from childhood to adulthood involved a man, a white dress, and a few little babies. Many women already go on dates with an open mind--without making a snap decision about whether or not a guy is husband material as soon as he sits down at the table. Just because a few women, like Ms. Gottlieb, didn't find their prince charming doesn't mean a broad stroke needs to be painted across all women the way she does in her article and book.

Here's a radical idea neither Ms. Gottlieb nor the gym-goer takes into account--maybe there are some women out there who believe they could be happy without a husband or a family. I'd like to make the radical proposal that it may be those women who make the best partners and the best mothers--those who don't invest their self-worth in whether or not they have those elements in their lives.

If you had asked me what I wanted when I was six years old, I would have told you that I wanted to be President of the United States. Better than wanting to sashay down an aisle in a white dress? Well, I think so.