So, What's Missing?

DoubleTake is probably one of the most interesting dating/relationships advice columns that I have come across. The basic premise behind it is to let two people, a man and a woman, reflect upon a relationship scenario, and it was probably started in order to combat an implication of feminine bias in the advice column world (this I have to, in part, agree with--how many men are writing those columns?). The advice is never long-winded or laced with the moral to the story.

I read this letter, and its responses, just recently, and the letter itself struck me. If the lady who wrote it didn't see the problems as soon as she outlined them on paper, I will be stunned.

The first issue in this letter is the statement: I understand that his job comes first--he travels about one-third of the year--his daughter comes second, and I come third.

How messed up is that?

I am sure that this gentleman's attitude towards work and family is a throw-back to an era when men built their self-worth on how well they won the bread for the family. Caring for the family? Well, that was the woman's job, of course. However, the implication in all of this is that the family--his family--should come first, even in this odd model. Why is he working? For his family, that's why.

The idea that his daughter comes second to his job should immediately put him out of the running for any relationship with anyone else. Although the author of the letter claims that she is OK with his skewed priorities, the fact that she is dissatisfied with the relationship generally speaks otherwise. His need to have his own life--and to steer clear of marriage--is probably an extension of his attitude about his job/family and the result of his previous divorce. There's nothing wrong with that, and "Eddie" is entirely correct when he says that at least this guy has been entirely honest about how he feels. That should be enough information with which the author can make a decision about what is best for her.

However, I think there is more to this than just the fact that the guy doesn't want to get married again. I think that the length of this letter, the many issues and relationship elements the author introduces, and her need to assert that she is happy with everything except the fact that the guy may not marry her indicates that she is more deeply unhappy with the situation, for more reasons, than she thinks. She indicates that someday, this situation will not be enough for her, but I think it isn't enough for her right now. It could be a lot of things left unmentioned (or mentioned, as in the case of his job).

Or, it could be right there in black and white. The promise of this relationship going to the marital stage is important to her. To her, a relationship can't be a relationship unless that conclusion is at least a possibility. Her attitude is not uncommon--many people leave relationships they know will not get to that stage for one reason or another. I don't think that to her, it is about a ring and a piece of paper. It is about an expression of commitment to the goal of "growing old together" that she reiterates in her message. Without that, expression of commitment, the question for her is: is there even a commitment? Is it simply that he doesn't want to get married again, or is it that he wants to have a "get out of jail free" card to use without the complications of another divorce?

My Take

There is too much evidence here that the guy wants to maintain his own lifestyle, and that lifestyle could be with or without her. Yes, he would probably miss her if she were to walk out, but she already said that his job is the most important thing, so I wonder how much he would truly regret it.

There is a little tinge of the "I'll help him change" about this that should also be taken into account--there seems to be some hope that he will "come around" embedded in here, but he did say that he wasn't interested in marriage, and he should be respected for that opinion.

The question here is about commitment, not marriage. To her, marriage means commitment. He seems to believe he can be committed without marrying her, but the course of events described here does not seem promising--moving in, maybe, when his daughter is 18 in another three years?

If commitment is important in the form of a marriage, take him seriously and move on. You may find that this makes him reconsider how he feels about taking that step, and if so, it's a sign that he really does care about her and would reconsider his future plans to make sure she is part of her life. If it doesn't, well, she was discardable all the time--he just didn't say that in so many words.